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In darkness whisper secrets,
Of stories never told.
Share your hopes and share your dreams,
Until your blood runs cold.

In the light I’ll keep them,
In an illusion that is real.
I will mould the world around you,
To erase everything you feel.

Trust me or deceive me,
Either will be my due.
In the end I will be victorious,
In the end I’m you.
Written as an add in to a book I am currently working on. What do you think?
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:iconsevenway7:
Sevenway7 Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
The poem is good. My only comment of criticism is to pay attention to grammar and technique. I noticed some lines that were not parallel and that caught my attention. Parallelism and other techniques can be simple, but can take a piece from good to excellent.
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:iconfoggylights:
Foggylights Featured By Owner May 29, 2014  Student General Artist
Oh this is a wonderful poem.  I really enjoy this slow rhythm you made and the simple rhyming every other line.  
Reply
:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner May 29, 2014  Student Writer
The rhyme scheme is so strong in this. Nice tempo. Reminds me of a poem the band Shinedown once wrote for some reason. Perhaps it's due to the rhyming. 
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:iconchocoramalted:
Chocoramalted Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I really like this.
Reply
:iconbladdneart:
Bladdneart Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
I'd turn off sunshine
So colors won't fade
I'd tie up spring breezes
So scents must stay!
Reply
:iconcumminstgoler:
Cumminstgoler Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Great job!
Reply
:iconmcgreevy:
Mcgreevy Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
really nice writing keep it up never stop :)
Reply
:iconstefanmst:
stefanmst Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2014
Your poem is very intriguing and gives me a feeling of solitude. The end somehow seems positive to me... It's a nice poem! Good work!
Reply
:iconwiliart:
Wiliart Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Nice poem, doesn't look like a happy part of the book though.
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:icontulf42:
tulf42 Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Definitely got my attention!
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:icon0p1tx:
0p1Tx Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
nice!
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:iconfreyskylark:
FreySkylark Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2013  Professional General Artist
I love this... I really love poetry in general that leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. Hope to read more from you!
Reply
:icondragonrider4000:
Dragonrider4000 Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2013
Thank you! I hope you like my future work.
Reply
:iconiokothepanda:
IokoThePanda Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I think it´s a really great poem!
and somehow so truth... c:
Reply
:icondragonrider4000:
Dragonrider4000 Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013
Thank you so much. Have you encountered such a person in your life then?
Reply
:iconiokothepanda:
IokoThePanda Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
no, it was more the other way... c:
someone kept me... c:
but now I hope he still holds me, even if we broke up... c:


I wish I could do that for someone... c:
Reply
:icondragonrider4000:
Dragonrider4000 Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013
One day I am sure you will, and I hope it brought back more happy memories than sad ones.
Reply
:iconiokothepanda:
IokoThePanda Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
yah... c:
:icongrin--plz:
I don´t know why, but I am happie xDDD
Reply
:icondaws3:
Daws3 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2013   General Artist
very interesting!
Reply
:icontashihazeldine:
TashiHazeldine Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2013  Student Writer
This is incredible, nice work!!
Reply
:iconcassiecros13:
CassieCros13 Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013  Student Writer
Really does make you think...beautifully written. :love:
Reply
:iconeevee1999:
Eevee1999 Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013  Student Writer
This is so... flabbergastingly magnificent. You did an amazing job with this poem and you should feel fantastic for your achievement. Really beautiful job.
Reply
:iconfreelance-writer:
Freelance-Writer Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013
The meaning of the poem is deep and quite interesting ^^ I love the last verse.
Reply
:iconbarbiekyoo:
BarbieKyoo Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
this is beautiful! Keep up the awesome work! :D
Reply
:iconbokchoykaraoke:
bokchoykaraoke Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013
Really powerful message. I love it!
Reply
:iconf-lagerdahl:
F-Lagerdahl Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013  Professional Photographer
Lovely, keep it up!
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:iconartauxeo:
artauxeo Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
great read
Reply
:iconmew2010:
mew2010 Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I loved it from the beginning till the end! You really used strong words in this one.
Reply
:iconnee-chan-san:
nee-chan-san Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2013  Student Photographer
wow this is really striking "in the end I'm you." has a powerful impact.
Reply
:iconpsychonaito:
PsychoNaito Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2013  Hobbyist
I love how it flows so well together, and the end is just amazing!
Reply
:iconqueermuffin:
QueerMuffin Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2013  Student Writer
The ending was a perfect for this piece. It comes together like a somber circle (if that even makes any sense).
Reply
:iconaeterus:
Aeterus Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Great work, especially the last line. The last line really brings the whole creepy feeling to the point
Reply
:iconshrouded-tears:
shrouded-tears Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Love the last line!
Reply
:iconmadametwalker:
MadameTWalker Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
that last stanza was amazing
Reply
:iconscarletdevil1503:
ScarletDevil1503 Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The last line rang with a chilling note of finality. Wonderful. :love:
Reply
:icontheunisquirrel:
TheUniSquirrel Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
"B-but.. I'M me... OH GOD..."
Love the creepy feel! (Y'know, the good kind of suspenseful creepy.)
It sounds like a story I read where a man sells his soul to a demon and slowly the demon takes over.
+1
Reply
:icondragonrider4000:
Dragonrider4000 Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013
Are you sure you are you?

Anyway, thank you so much for your comments, it's great to know the feel I wanted is coming across so perfectly!
Reply
:iconkonnono:
Konnono Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The last stanza delivers a really ominous feeling, a feeling that you've stepped in a trap and can't get out. Overall, I really like it.
Reply
:icondragonrider4000:
Dragonrider4000 Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2013
Thank you very much! That was the feeling I was going for, I'm rather happy it worked.
Reply
:iconkonnono:
Konnono Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Is that so? That's great, then! :boogie:
Reply
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